(Strange) Reader Feedback

I should’ve seen it coming. Work as a columnist and you’re bound to irritate some of the people some of the time. Still, nothing had prepared me for the vitriol pouring through my phone. At first, I couldn’t follow what the man was saying. Too much shouting. All I knew for sure is that he cared very little for my last column.

     “How DARE you print a story about the Auto Road without talking to me!”

     You may recall that, back on January 9, I published a story about the proposed conversion of Mt. Washington Auto Road into a snowtubing park. I thought it lighthearted and fun, something meant to bring a chuckle. The guy on the line, though, wasn’t chuckling. After he’d spoken his mind and calmed down a bit, I asked how he found my number.

     “The internet,” he said.

     “My phone number isn’t listed anywhere on the internet.” I make sure of this.  

     “Your phone number isn’t listed on the internet, but your ex-wife is. And so is her number.”

     “You called my ex-wife?”

     “Yep. Told her I was a disgruntled reader with an ax to grind. She couldn’t wait to help me.”

     “I’m sure.”

     “Even told me where you live.”

     “That’s just great,” I said. “Now can you please explain all this to me again? From the beginning?”

The caller’s name was Barry Barker, from Westbrook. Barry installs swimming pools for a living and, for the last seven years, has served as President of S.H.A.M., aka Smoking Hikers Alliance of Maine. The group--now fifteen hundred strong, Barry wanted me to know--promotes hiking among cigarette smokers from Kittery to Caribou. Barry even hosts a weekly podcast titled, Tobacco Trails, in which he and a guest review various low-impact hikes from all around New England. According to Barry, it’s the third most popular podcast in Maine—right behind The Joe Rogan Experience and Tales from the Transfer Station.

     “That’s all fine,” I said. “But what’s any of this have to do with my Mt. Washington article?”

     The voice on the line grew deadly serious. “Mr. Wallace,” he said. “For smoking hikers, Mt. Washington represents the pinnacle of achievement.”

     As a former pack-a-day smoker who often struggled to scale a stepstool, I could hardly believe what I was hearing. “You guys actually climb up Mt. Washington?”  

     I had to pull the phone away for the sound of Barry guffawing. “Heck no!” he boomed. “We don’t climb UP Mt. Washington, Mr. Wallace! We only climb DOWN.”

     That’s right: when members of S.H.A.M. hike New England’s highest peak, it’s strictly a one-way endeavor. Instead of climbing to the top, they ride the shuttle or SnowCoach and descend the mountain on foot.     

     “So naturally, we vehemently oppose this snowtubing park,” explained Barry. “That Auto Road needs to stay open. We smokers depend on it.”

     “This can’t be real,” I said. “You’re putting me on.”

     “I most certainly am not.”

     “Prove it.”

     “Fine. You near a computer?”

     “Yep.”

     “Okay, go to Amazon and I’ll show you the book I just wrote.”

      He told me the title and I typed it in. Boom, there it was: Smoker’s Guide to Hiking in New England.

     “What…in the world…is this?” I asked.

     “That, my friend,” said Barry, “is the best-selling non-fiction book in the country right now.”

     The book consists of 101 reviews of smoker-friendly hiking trails, each ranked using a cigarette pack system, from 1 pack for easiest all the way up to 5 packs for hardest.

     An excerpt from Barry’s review of Artist’s Bluff Trail in Franconia, New Hampshire:

     1.5 miles to the top, and steep at times. Thankfully, you don’t need go all the way to get the view! Visit on a clear day and the photos will make it look like you worked harder than you did. Expert Tip: get there early to ensure a parking space near the trailhead.

     It’s official, I thought. I’ve finally seen everything.

     I asked Barry if he’s ever been to Moosehead.

     “Was there last foliage season,” he said. “Matter of fact, I’m featuring Greenville in my next book, Smoker’s Guide to Hiking, Volume II. It’s a list of scenic rest areas.”

     “You like our rest area?”

     “It’s top notch!” exclaimed Barry. “And that fire tower’s wicked cool.”

     “Great view from up there, too.”

     “It sure is!” he said. “And I didn’t even need to climb Squaw!”