Smelt Fishermen Reach Their Limit

A recent proposal to raise catch size limits for Maine lobster drew outrage from lobstermen during a January 9th meeting with marine resources officials. Tempers flared and expletives flew. At times, it seemed violence might erupt. Then yesterday, a hearing on proposed catch size restrictions for an entirely different species made that clash look like a veritable love fest.

     I’m talking about smelts.

     That’s right. A non-profit organization titled “Northern Environmental Resources Defense Society” (N.E.R.D.S.) is leading the charge to impose the first-ever size restriction on the popular Maine fish. David Doolittle, spokesperson for the N.E.R.D.S., explains:

     “Historically, Maine fishermen have been able to harvest smelts with absolutely no regard for size. But with freshwater smelt populations on the decline, something needs to be done, and done now.”

     Doolittle’s group proposes the implementation of a 4 inch minimum length. The smelt fishermen who attended yesterday’s hearing in Augusta were, in a word, unimpressed. I interviewed five of them for this article and heard profanities you can’t even find on the internet, never mind print in a newspaper. Artie Briggs, a longtime dip-netter from Eustis, explained the fishermen’s opposition:

     “These environmental do-gooders wanna take all the fun out of the sport. You tell me how we’re supposed to measure these tiny little fish in the dark while standin’ in knee-deep water drinkin’ beer. Heck, half the guys here can’t read a ruler when they’re sober.”

    But a size restriction is just one aspect of the proposed management plan. N.E.R.D.S. is pushing for other changes as well, including revisions to the bag limit, presently set at two quarts per day. The group is requesting state officials replace this volume measurement with what Doolittle calls, “a quantitative data system.”

     “That,” says Briggs, “is just a fancy-schmancy way of sayin’ they want us to count ‘em.”

     Doolittle defends the request. “We’re simply trying to improve the accuracy of data so marine biologists can better do their jobs. The better their information on the smelt population, the better it is for everyone—smelts, especially.” He argues that measuring smelts by the quart has never made sense. “A quart is a measurement of liquid. Smelts are not liquid. I mean, have you ever seen a hunter tag a 50-gallon bear?”

     I admitted that I hadn’t.

     “Well, there you go,” he said. “We count salmon, trout, and togue. Why not smelts?”

     I posed this question to Briggs.

     “I’ll tell ya why,” he grumbled. “The bag limit for salmon is two; the bag limit for trout is two; the bag limit for togue is—you wanna take a guess?”

     I thought about it for a second. “Um, two?”

    “Bingo! You’re pretty smart for a newspaper fella. Anyway, a lot of fishermen I know—I dare say most of ‘em—have no problem countin’ to two. But there ain’t no fisherman anywhere who’s gonna be able to keep track of how many smelts he’s got—especially if he’s catching them with a net.

     Oh, by the way: the proposed new bag limit for smelts is 73.

     Doolittle accuses Briggs and his fellow fishermen of overreacting. “This isn’t hard,” he said. “Dip your net, count your fish, mark it down. Repeat as necessary until you reach the limit. What’s the problem?”

     I suggested perhaps fishermen could use their phone’s calculator app to keep a running tally.

     “No need,” he said. “That’s what the form is for.”

     “The form?”

     “You know, the  S.T.S.”

     I’d not heard of this “S.T.S.” form, so Doolittle enlightened me. “S.T.S.” stands for “Smelt Tabulation Sheet.” Similar to Maine lobstermen, the state would require smelt fishermen to log the date, time, and location of each fishing expedition, in addition to quantity caught.

     Artie Briggs calls this smelt paperwork “the second dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”

     “Second to what? I asked.

     “They (the N.E.R.D.S.) wanna pass a law requiring all smelt nets to have a two-inch diameter hole in ‘em. You know, to give the poor little smelts a fighting chance.”

     “Like those fly swatters I’ve seen.”

     “Zactly.”

     Doolittle offers a different take on the net regulation. “The hole adds a degree of difficulty to the sport, makes it more challenging, more exciting. What’s wrong with that?”

     Briggs: “I think fishing by headlamp in ice cold water with a net in one hand and a beer in the other is plenty challenging enough. Justy sayin’.”

    As I wrapped up the interview, Briggs had a question for me.

“Say,” he said, “What’s the bag limit on nerds?”